Catching up on The Bachelor so far

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Catching up on The Bachelor so far

Sean and eight of the bachelorettes try Roller Derby in Week 4. (source: ABC/Rick Rowell) Sean and eight of the bachelorettes try Roller Derby in Week 4. (source: ABC/Rick Rowell)

By Jamie Fromberger
WATE's The Bachelor Blogger

In the "most shocking season ever" of The Bachelor, we are greeted with the eye candy that we call Sean. A seemingly tall, (though next to Chris Harrison any little nugget could be considered of great height) surfer-type male with piercing blue eyes and bleach blonde hair.

Conveniently, most scenes start off with him just finishing a work out, and shamelessly flexing for both the camera and the mirror. Sometimes you have to wonder if a check box on the Bachelor Application says: Slightly arrogant, while reeking of vanity and self-absorption, and also maintaining the role as president of your own fan club.

To give credit where credit may or may not be due, he seems to be a nice, genuine guy. However, that's probably about as accurate as each girl seeming sober during their individual interviews. Picture runny mascara with a glazed look and frizzy hair while simultaneously flailing your hands and hiccupping, and laughing at your own jokes? Yes, you clearly have been chugging the good ole H2O the whole night.

And speaking of these interesting creatures, let's talk about the girls. First and foremost, gathering that many girls in one confined space is considered a liability and danger to anyone and everything within a 10-mile radius. Add in the removal of social media, television, and contact with anyone sober, and 25 females so desperate for some "lovin" that they all have to fight over the same and only piece of meat that is offered, and I'm shocked to this day a form of "cannibalism" hasn't began and we start to see the girls loving on each other. Give it time.

So we've got 25 gorgeous ladies, who each get out of the limo and attempt an "impromptu" greeting that's sure to grab his attention and secure a spot in his heart just for them.

Let's just nix that idea and call a spade a spade. This whole clever introduction thing is awkward. Awkward for them, for Sean, and seriously awkward for me, though I do enjoy seeing the struggle and failure in their face as they walk away knowing the entire world will be thinking "um, did you really just do that?"

Like, did you really just attempt a backhanded walkover and fall flat on your face? In a dress? Wow.

So as we painfully watch each of these girls make their entrance, I am confident that a drink is handed to them the minute they walk in the door, if not in the limo on the ride over. Insecure girls and alcohol? Hello mathematic equation for disaster!

Things were changed up a bit this season when Sean was given a rose to hand out before even meeting all the girls, which caused whispers and speculation early on, and clarified this season's villain as Tierra. Dun dun duuuunnnn.

To add a little more stress to the situation, a previous contestant was brought back to knock the girls off their game a little, after she came in with a one up advantage to not only knowing Sean, but also having a previous "connection" with him. Unfortunately for Casey though, she didn't get the rose right away, which didn't seem to sit well with her, but he did decide to keep her around at the end of the night.

And lastly, we can't forget about the psycho. I mean other girl, who showed up in a wedding dress. I doubt more explanation needs to be given to her but other than hoping it was the producers pick that she stayed around and not Sean's, I'm questioning why she is still even in the mix.

So let's jump forward to last week's show, when the one-on-ones have begun, group dates are brawls, and tears are flowing. Rose ceremonies are strangely held at 2 a.m. and Chris Harrison actually acts like he cares what Sean thinks.

We've fallen from 26 girls to 13 and the pressure is on. In a matter of weeks someone will be a future wife gracing the cover of US Weekly flaunting a ridiculously large Neil Lane diamond, to slowly let the relationship fall apart in a shocking and scandalous strategized scenario.

And let's be honest, I eat it up every time.

We start the date off with a one-on-one, where Selma is chosen. She is fully donned in make-up, flowing hair, and clothes that are debatable to be fitted, or painted on. Conveniently she lets us all know of her 110 pound weight, which clearly 25 of that is her boobs, while awkwardly hanging on him in a position that makes my neck crick just to think about it.

Now, this poor girl got shafted. We've seen the strings The Bachelor producers can pull, fancy jewelry, private concerts, yachts. But this date? Can someone say budget cut?

Her perfect red manicure is forced to climb up a ridiculous mountain, to later be rewarded with his and her trailers out in the dessert. This would be the moment I would have thrown myself on the ground in a three-year-old type tantrum and screamed, "I want the sushi! I want the diamond earrings! Why not meeeeee!"

I also would have been asked to leave, and we can see why I've never to this day been a contestant.

So continue on while she plays the supportive role and talks in the Paris Hilton/sex phone operator voice, as she reassures him of his destined future and shares things with just him that no one knows. No one except her, him and millions of viewers.

She pulls the shy card and brings up her heritage and how kissing him on TV would make her mom SO upset, so obviously in addition to a villain, every season needs to have the "reserved" girl.

Whatever you do, Selma, do NOT kiss him on TV. Drink, gossip, and get engaged, but girlfriend, no lip locking!

As she longingly gazes in his eyes, and the awkward minute turns in to minutes, and the caressing and canoodling goes on, he finally does the inevitable: holds up a rose, and gives a three-minute speech leading up to that he wants to give her the rose.

I want to know what comes next? Do they pack up the food and go, or do they finally eat and stop worrying about food in their teeth and microphones above their head? My goal is to find the answers to these and many more out in the future…

Now that the one-on-one date is over, we have moved on to the group date: Roller Derby. Apparently this is because throwing girls that already don't like each other in to a rink with permission to knock each other over while trying to rock a helmet and look coordinated isn't awkward.

To make matters worse? Let's throw the one-arm girl into this date. Cringe.

As much as she tries to say she is just like everyone else, this event clearly separated her from the others, and was the perfect source for the waterworks and sympathy to start flowing.

But wait right there! We can't let her have all the attention! Before we know it, Amanda crashes out and slams her face on the ground. Pushing the tears out and holding an ice pack, and elevated music lets us know a trauma has occurred. She could have a broken jaw.

Girl, if you had a broken jaw, you would know. Be straight, you wanted to go to the hospital just to watch TV. We understand.

Because Sean is such a stand-up guy, he single handedly canceled the roller derby game and decided to just skate in circles with 80s music playing, bringing flashbacks of 6th grade. As cute as it was, I would have preferred a little chicken dance on skates more. Classic.

As the group date ends and the 80s music continues on, we fast forward to a candlelit dinner for eight. What once was a competition for Sean is becoming a competition for being the victim.

Sara seeks approval and reassurance for her ability to follow through the date with only one arm. Amanda makes a remarkable recovery while milking the injured jaw, but clearly reeking of BS. And our local villain, Tierra, decides to pull the break-down card. She threatens him with leaving, shedding fake tears, and pretending to be hurting inside. She plays both Sean and her card to a T, guaranteeing her spot for the night and ultimately pissing the other girls off, as she is rewarded for this behavior with a rose at the end.

Now we revisit the one-on-one. This time the lucky girl is Leslie, who DOES get the earrings. Selma, be mad girl.

As Sean shows up in a cheesy vest with plaid undershirt, driving a car he doesn't and will never own, he boasts of his "instant connection" with Leslie as he proudly struts his stuff and they venture on their date.

His dorky style matches her signature saying of "holy moly Batman" perfectly, and he does what every guy vies to do for a girl: takes her shopping.

He then compares this situation to pretty woman, which I think is in one way or another calling her a Ho? She awkwardly tries on dresses for him, and ends up with a horrendous one that has a huge bow on it, and vocalizes another horrible saying of "winner winner chicken dinner."

Seriously, are you five? She then also compares the situation to Pretty Woman, so I'm starting to wonder if they are trying to tell us, the viewers, a secret from her former life.

Then Selma, my dear, hold on honey. Leslie just got adorned with 120-carats of diamond in a necklace, to go with her earrings and dress, and you got a rock in the desert.

Not surprisingly, they have deep, heartfelt conversations that truly give insight as to who the other person is (insert sarcasm there) while dramatic piano rifts play in the background. They describe their ideal match, who coincidently describes their dinner partner.

However, as Sean picked up the rose and began his speech, we realize no amount of diamonds can blind him and knock him into falling for her, and he completely rejects her. He blames his inability to meet her expectations and worries from her personal stories.

Sean then sends her on her way after retrieving the necklace. I guess a rose in the dessert was more of a win than diamonds and amazing food.

We fade away with Sean enjoying a concert of one and seeming deeply saddened by the outcome. He pulls the famous "Jason Mesnick" hunched over the rail, arms crossed, and head down. Tear.

As the rose ceremony nears, glasses clink and words begin to slur while Chris Harrison pulls Sean aside. In his entire orangeness he sits down to really take in how he's feeling and what he is thinking, while acting like he actually knows who each girl is.

As the girls stand in make-shift bleachers with what looks like purple velvet walls, Sean proclaims his feelings for all 13 of them at once, and slowly hands out each rose as slowly as possible.

Getting down to the final rose, which without Chris Harrison pointing out we may not have realized, Sean leaves Amanda and her "flapper style" rose-less and packing.

Within moments the sad faces and tears from the goodbye have dissipated and the champagne is flowing again, as hugs and cheers are given to each other for making it another round.

Previews tell us next week will be even MORE crazed, and gives us a glimpse at the scandal guaranteed to captivate us, as we see romantic dates, insecurities, and Tierra shivering with apparently not-waterproof mascara smeared like a football player under her eyes.

Bring on the drama!

The opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not reflect the opinions of WATE, ABC, The Bachelor or any related persons.

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