By Jamie Fromberger
WATE's The Bachelorette Blogger
The Bachelorette is here and the premier was nothing short of amazing. Desiree Hartsock looked as adorable as ever, trading in her Honda for a Bentley, her tent for a Malibu Mansion, and her bangs for a limo (or two) full of possible beaus.
Her infectious smile and goofy personality had Chris Harrison grinning from ear to ear the entire time. I'll bet good money he was kicking himself for not throwing himself in the mix of eligible suitors this season.
Twenty-five men arrived with pick-up lines that made viewers all over the world cringe with embarrassment, from Larry, an ER doctor who failed a dancing dip, to an awkward search for last season's penny in the fountain from Michael.
Zak with no 'c' was his biggest fan of his abs, and felt it was necessary to walk around shirtless the entire time. While he did have an amazing body, I couldn't help but compare how much his face resembled the elf on the shelf that makes an appearance at my house each year at Christmas.
Brooks forgot to introduce himself. Diogo showed up in a suit of armor to be her "knight in shining armor," but he was more along the lines of "knight in shining horror." So. Bad.
Micah decided to get crafty and make his own suit, while Brandon had to be the unique guy and roll in on a motorcycle.
We can't dump on all the guys though, because there were some hidden gems in this tiny bin of options. Juan Pablo had an accent to die for AND gave her chocolate. That's a win in my book.
Drew and Brad who are both accountants gave non-creepy introductions, so they immediately get put on my "not going home" list just for that. I do wonder, though, there were A LOT of accountants and investment advisors in the mix. Maybe we should take a further look in to our economic status in comparison to when the Bachelor and Bachelorette airs? Just putting it out there.
As the night went on and Desiree got to spend some QT with the guys, we got to dive deeper into the depth of their personalities and learn that some of them are swimming solely in the shallow end, lacking anything of interest or intellect.
But they did not fall short in the amusement area. Jonathon, a 26-year-old lawyer, settled the burning question that it takes precisely 92 minutes of air time before the house gets abominated from alcohol.
I was originally a fan of his sarcastic humor and his upper hand in the looks department compared to the others, but while he may have teetered on the inappropriate line by offering the fantasy suite key during his intro, he fell full blown in to the inappropriate side by getting two sheets to the wind and trying to drag her in to a candlelit room where we as viewers saw him lying alone on the bed talking about getting an open mouth kiss from Des.
Do people still really say that? He also quoted some "love tank" ramble, and last I heard that phrase was owned by Vicki from The Real Housewives of the OC!
Needless to say, his less than gentlemanly-like traits had him asked to leave even before the final rose ceremony. I'm sure he's somewhere high -fiving himself for being such an awful train wreck on television. His parents must be so proud!
Leaving at the end of the night with him were Larry the creeper ER doctor who felt it was sexy to put his glasses on, then remove them, then put them on, then remove them, the entire time he talked to Desiree. I'm not sure if his thought process was "take them off so she can see your Justin Bieber hair and gaze in your eyes. Put them on so you can see. Take them off so she sees how your bangs fall over your eyes. Put them on so you can see, etc."
Good choice in sending him packing girlfriend, he's destined to make someone a Lifetime movie one day.
Diogo and his suit of armor were sent packing as well, for obvious reasons, and Nick the tailor/magician didn't seem to impress anyone enough to stick around another week, so back to your "guaranteed to be single for life" ways you go.
As previews hint at what's to come, we see James has a game plan to get just far enough to the end to be the next Bachelor, which is clearly what everyone is after. You normally just keep that tad bit of self-destructing information to yourself, causing grown men to fight and cry and ultimately look incredibly weak and pathetic.
Someone has a girlfriend who comes to visit and I'm banking it's Ben, who brought his child Brody to meet Desiree during night one, not to mention his mom as well.
Is it just me, or (A) it was dark -- shouldn't the kid have been in bed, in Texas where he is from? And (B) does saying, "His mom and I are just best friends who had a kid together and are still best friends," not seem like a massive turn-off to anyone else?
Obviously there are still relations happening. And no Ben, it is not the norm for two besties to reproduce together. That only happens in movies, where both parties have uber amounts of money and both of them normally are not straight.
But let's watch you crash and burn through the season, okay?
Until next time...
The opinions expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not reflect the opinions of WATE, ABC, The Bachelorette or any related persons.
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